Report from jail...

So I got thrown in jail tonight! Awesome. I'm not kidding.

Anne and I were on our way to meet some new friends (only I've met them, she never has) when I got pulled over in ther Ferrari for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign. Weak reason to pull me over if you ask me, but I was breaking the law. After 10 minutes of him sitting in his car I began to get a little nervous. He finally got out and said "Mr. Shiflet, pleas step out of the car." I knew this wasn't good. He told me I had a warrant and was going to jail. I was super nice to them and they returned the favor. They let me explain to Anne how to drive the car and where money was at the house and what people to call, etc. They put me in the car and took me to "central booking"...a place I'm glad to say I previously didn't know existed. On the way there I asked him "If I start bashing my head in to the window between us, can I get on "Cops" or something?" He said he could do even better than that...they were actually filming some reality show called "jail" at Central Booking and there was a good chance with my "different than their usual suspects looks" I would be on there. He said had they seen the whole thing (with a gorgeous wife and a red Ferrari that no doubt both him (the cop) and I would be on TV and would be celebrities. I could tell he was disappointed they weren't in his car filming at the time. I, on the other hand, was rather thankful.

We got to County (that's what they call it as I now know) and I got to sit on a cold metal bench with my hands cuffed behind my back. I watched them pat down another dude and put him through the motions. This guy was a drunk painter from south of Texas. He was a riot. He kept telling the guys that he had never seen pu**y that he wouldn't make love to, etc, etc. They asked him to take off his watch and he begged them not to because it was his "nice watch" and they were going to steal it. The officer took it off and told the other officer inventoring all his items "one seiko daffy duck watch with plastic band." he wasn't joking. I got a great laugh out of that. I wonder what his "daily watch" was!? They then took his shoelaces off his shoes and he said "man, i'm not going to kill myself! There's too much good pu**y out there for me to get, I ain't about to go and kill myself!" The officers were laughing with him and I was trying to keep a straight face and not try any more attention to myself than a white guy with $2000 shoes, a velvet jacket, a red silk shirt and a watch the size of a small car was already getting. The guys made me take off my jacket, watch, ring and shoes. They patted me down (very agressively I might add). I was surprised that they actually do pat you down EVERYWHERE. I jokingly asked the guy "how do I size up?" He said he's been much more impressed before. I left his station feeling a bit deflated.

I went from there to some really comfy blue lounge charis complete with 2 TV's playing sports and surrounded by pay phones that I could make unlimited collect calls from. Much to my disappointment you couldn't call a cell phone collect so I was limited only to my family, which I believe thought a collect from Travis County Jail from Cord, collect, was a joke. It wasn't.

I called Anne and confirmed that i had a small stash of cash but was just a little short of the $10k they needed to get me out. I called my father who had the additional funds necessary to spring me. (I have never carried an ATM card and actually don't know how to use one even if I did have one...this might be a wake up call as to why they are a good idea, not that I plan on going through this anytime in the future).

The officer called me over and explained that I had a traffic ticket outstanding and had a court date yesterday (Monday) that I did not show up for. I told him that I didn't know about it and have an attorney that takes care of traffic tickets. He seemed a little confused because traffic tickets are never a $10,000 bail...they are $1,000 at most and this was ridiculously high. Actually all the officers there were asking me "what did you to do get a $10k bond on a traffic ticket." I played dumb only because I was dumb and I legitimately didn't know what the court deal was all about. I told him I only wanted to know what I needed to do to get out of there the fastest way I could. He laughed and joking said, well someone can show up now with $10k or you'll have to wait until in the morning when a judge sets your bond at 10% of that ($1000). He said I'd be out by 10:00am no problem. I said "no, I'll have my wife come get me now...so all she does is bring $10k?" He was a little miffed by that and said "why dont' you have a seat and let me look in to this a bit more." He called me back up a few minutes later and handed me a paper and said "Merry Christmas." I am not familiar with this process and don't konw if he's handing me my jail sentence or a prescription for anal lube. I kind of made the "excuse me?" look and he said "this was a mistake, there's the door, you're free to go." Turns out my court date that I missed was rescheduled by my attorney (thus the reason I didn't know about it) and this was all a paperwork error on the county's behalf. All the officers were shaking their heads like "I can't believe this happens, it never happens!" The guy that actually pulled me over and arrested me came up to apologize and thanked me for being so respectful, etc. He said "everytime I tell someone they have a warrant they say this must be a mistake, there's no way I have a warrant, etc." He said "You're the first guy to not say anything about having a warrant and turns out you're the first guy I've arrested that legitimately didn't have one!"

I got out of the joint (pun intended) and had no cell phone (it was in my car) and looked around for a pay phone to start calling my family. Turns out in this modern era with cell phones, there are no pay phones anymore! I walked over 8 blocks and didn't see a sigle pay phone. I finally accosted someone on the street and they let me use their phone. I called my father who picked me up on the street corner. While waiting for him, I saw no less than 3 people that pulled over and said "Cord, dude, I heard you were in jail! You okay?" Keep in mind this was 45 minutes folks. I guess when people see a red Ferrari pulled over and you've lived here all your life, it doesn't take long for word to travel.

I feel so fortunate that things happened the way they did. My wife handled everything so well and was nice about the whole process and actually greeted me at home with a smile and a little giggle (which wasn't what I was expecting). I am incredibly thankful that I wasn't driving my girls by myself and had this happen...they probably would have been put in CPS or something and I would have never lived that down. Both Travis County and APD could not have been nicer from the time they pulled me over until the time they released me...all in all it was comedy of errors. I hate that I "introduced ourselves" to our "new friends" by having me miss dinner because I was in jail...that's truly the worst part of it all...but it will make for a funny story to tell as our friendship grows.

You folks drive safe out there and be nice to those police officers...they are good people and only doing their job. I've found time after time after time that if you just treat them with respect and are polite to them it's very much appreciated. I think that added a lot to my night tonight and helped me get their help and get me out of there sooner.

I'm glad my Christmas Eve won't be spent sharing a cot with some bored rapist. You think about a lot of things in such a short amount of time in there and it sure makes you greatful that we spend a life breathing "free air."

if you were one of the ones that saw me pulled over tonight, now you know what the story is. what a mess. I'm glad it's over. It's time to go to bed! Sadly, they released me before I was actually "booked" and I didn't get a mug shot. If I did have one taken, rest assured it would have been posted on here.

Merry Christmas!